How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend
April 1, 2009

I like to think I know thing or two about women (that’s what they all say), since I have five sisters, a mother, a girlfriend, and most of my friends are girls as well (yes, I’m straight).  This means I must be a genius in the dating field.  Logically, a pack of enraged women should have killed me by now for knowing so much about them, but I manage to fight them off somehow.

I got to thinking,  I could really help some other uninformed guys who don’t know anything at all about women.  (In my opinion, nobody fully understands women,  and anyone who claims to is either gay or drunk,  but I’m probably better off than most guys, and once you’ve actually figured out women, if that were possible,  you’d wish you hadn’t).   

How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend



One:  Uncommon knowledge.

Now, before you can even start thinking you’re capable of being Mr. Just Right,  you have to acknowledge something:  all women are the same.  All of them,  the same.  That’s a hard pill to swallow, but just try.

Now you are prepared for two.  

Two: Protecting your woman. 

Okay, this step is a little more difficult.

First off, if she ever gets in a fight with another girl,  there is only one solution:

A potato gun. 

Shoot whichever girl you can hit, that’ll break it up right quick.  Hope and pray you can run faster than they can.

If she ever gets in a fight with another guy, leave them both alone.  When I say “alone”, I don’t mean walk off, but rather, stay out of the way and watch. That way, you can see what she does to him and know what to do if she after comes after you like that, and you’ll know her weaknesses.  (If she dies in the fight,  oh well, your loss.  If she wins,  she’s definitely a keeper).

Thirdly,  if she ever gets hit by a car or shot while talking to a sniper in a phone booth because she cheated on you and won’t tell you, run like mad to the nearest Subway and buy the best sub they have.  Then eat it.


Actually, come to think of it, two isn’t so hard afterall. The hardest part is trying to contain yourself and not defend her.  Which really isn’t even that hard,  if you can just picture her kicking in the fenders of your beloved (insert car name here).

Three: Deconstructing her needs.

Women hate everything

This basically just means that,  no matter how many girls you date,  they will always hate romantic dinners, vampire movies, flowers, kitties, chocolate, shiny things, cuddling, romance novels, dancing, public displays of affection (aka PDA’s), none of them know how to shoot a gun, and they can all argue until the sun sets and rises again like four times because they’re so long winded and that’s why a womanwillnevereverbepresidentbecausethespeecheswouldbewaytoolong. 


Therefore, women don’t need anything, they just want stuff.

Four: The parents.

For one thing, you should never be scared of her dad.  He’ll never actually make good on his threats to kill you, and he only cleans that (potato) gun when you come over because he just knows his wife and daughter are going to fight over something.

Getting on his good side doesn’t take much work, you just need to treat his daughter as if she were a dog.  Unless, of course, you’re good to your dog. Or you don’t even have a dog.

Now, getting on her mom’s good side is hard.  You have to buy your girl lots of really nice things (even if she doesn’t want them), and she’ll look you up and down and declare, “Yap, he’s a keeper.”  Also,  criticizing her cooking causes her to have a great amount of respect for you.

Five: How to show her how much you care.

If there’s one thing women want,  it’s knowing how much their boyfriend (or manfriend, which is basically just a boring mature boyfriend) cares about them.  If you’ve followed all the suggestions this far, you’re doing great.  Here are just a few more things to remember.

– Women love it when you leave the toilet seat up, it reminds them that there’s a real man in the house.

– If you sit around watching football all day, you’re her hero.

– Women frown upon men taking out the trash, even though they may be smiling on the outside. It’s a sign of weakness and submissiveness. “I got you whipped, boy!  Go cook my dinner, slave!” Never do that.  At least make her ask seventeen times.

– Put a lock on your underwear drawer.

– Calling her twice a day is unacceptable. You should call at least once every hour, on the hour. 

– Whenever she answers, ask “didja miss meh?”  If she says yes, hang up immediately.

– Money.

– Text her at least 417 times a day. It’s required.

– Don’t ever “pleasantly surprise” her, with gifts and such. At least tell her about it a week ahead, women hate not being informed.

– Whatever you do, do not write her a poem. She will hate you for that until after past infinity.


You are now the perfect boyfriend.